I don't know their intentions as they walk amongst us. As of yet I don't know of any fatal attacks. But I have born witness to some unwanted advances in the steam room. A paw here. A sniff there. They're like animals ... dangerous ... unpredictable ... animals.
I was cornered by one once. I was sitting in the steam room, minding my own business, enjoying a refreshing steam. Then one sidled up to me. Realizing its presence, I immediately tensed up and considered my options. Should I show my teeth? Should I run away? It was classic fight or flight.
I decided to play it cool, so I set my eyes on the opposite wall and didn't move an inch. He tested me. His leg "accidentally" fell against mine. He glanced at me out of the corner of his eye like Susanna Hoffs in a Bangles video, searching for a sign of fear or submission.
Even though my heart was beating madly, I was as rigid and as cold as ice. If he can smell fear, I thought to myself, I'm toast. Luckily, much like the velociraptor, the gym monster's hunting instincts seem to be motion based. After a few more inquisitive displays, he eventually lumbered out the door. I heaved a slow sigh of relief.
My experience is by no means singular. I have heard similar stories and seen the same situation repeated at regular intervals. That the monsters exist and that they hunt almost exclusively in steam rooms and saunas cannot be denied. Their intents and goals, however, are subject to ongoing debate.
Some theorize that the monsters are an evolutionary offshoot of modern humans and that their hunting is more of a sexual ritual, a desire to rejoin the tribes of their distant cousins. Others, including myself, believe that they lust for gay human blood and would just as happily bite your head off as look at you.
Regardless of their true intent, I think most would agree that they are to be avoided at all costs. Unfortunately this can be exceedingly difficult due to their substantial camouflaging abilities. Through my intensive studies, I have found that most gym monsters give themselves away by one attribute which they cannot or choose not to control ... their toenails.
I'll never forget the first time I saw a gym monster and became aware of its presence. I was in a bathroom stall, taking care of business and absent-mindedly checking out the sneakers of the gentleman in the adjacent stall to the right. I heard the door to the left stall open and close. The toilet seat clanked down. Much like Senator Craig, the monster sat with a wide stance. His feet were so large they practically passed beneath the partition and into my stall. And that's when I saw them, those awful claws.
Gym monster toenails come in various shapes and colors. Most are yellow or golden brown, often with black fungus around the edges. They are almost always alarmingly long, and they curl and twist in a manner that matches their owner's own twisted desires. Though they appear cracked and peeling, they are surprisingly strong. I have heard of gym monsters rapidly scaling trees and buildings, digging in their claws like a lumberjacks's spiky boot. When under attack, they've been known to lie on their back in a defensive posture with their claws in the air, a most fearsome sight.
Once you've seen a gym monster, you'll always be aware of them, always on the lookout. In some ways, I've been living in fear ever since. But you can't let the monsters, or your fear, ruin your life. You must press on.
As in most cases concerning the monsters around us, the best rule of engagement is not to engage. Just go about your business, avert your eyes, and learn how to freeze the fear and disgust from your face. If you can master the art of not seeing what you see, you might just survive the monsters of this world. If you can master the art of not smelling what you smell, you might even be successful. And if you can do both, well then you just might have what it takes to be a whore, or a politician, or even better, a celebrity!
See you in Hollywood!
Susannah Hoffs, Velociraptors, bwah!
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