But when it comes to looking absolutely, 100%, balls-to-the-wall stupid, we do have a choice. Yes, the world may have our jewels in a vice when it comes to the neon offerings of trainers, but it does not require that we succumb to one of the most hideous footwear inventions in recent memory: the shoes-with-toes phenomenon.
They're called Five Fingers and made by this company called Vibram. They look like this:
The first time I saw them in some clothing store in the Castro, I thought to myself, "Well, that's retarded. Who would buy those hideous shoes?"
I eventually did see someone wearing them, and it was of course ... at the gym. There he was, Random Gay #304, grinding away on the elliptical trainer in his five toed booties. Seeing them in the real world, I was forced to reassess my initial reaction.
For in my rush to judgement, I had erred. You know the old saying: to err is human, to forgive divine? Well I embraced my own divinity, and forgave myself. I forgave myself for calling the Vibram Five Finger shoes "retarded."
They are not retarded. Those little piglet pouches, worn even by heavy people who really do need the arch support, aren't retarded. No not at all. They are an abomination. They are testament to all that is wrong and stupid and pretentious in this world. They are the marriage of the mod prim, the dirty hippy, and the surfer dude. And their bastard offpsring is the faggot next to me doing squats.
So don't tell me they feel great. I don't care about your comfort. Don't tell me how that's the way nature intended us to get about. You can get about gettin' outta my face. Just shut up, put on some real shoes, and go "Wee, wee, wee!" all the way home.
They are in NYC, too...{shudder}
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